Silent Whispers
by nowhere-girlx
Summary: She loves him so much but she didn't sign up for the pain or his wedding to her best friend. *DISCONTINUED*
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

"_I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing  
With a broken heart that's still beating  
In the pain (in the pain), there is healing  
In your name, I find meaning  
So I'm holding on, I'm barely holding on to you"_

When she wakes up in the morning and has a small white card wrapped delicately in green ribbon delivered to her, she opens it distractedly, imagining it to be another invitation to a society gala. But when her blue eyes run over the elaborate curly letters, her breathing seems to stop altogether. There's a pain in her chest that seems to originate from the place where her heart is supposed to be; her eyes burn with unshed tears. She doesn't throw away the card; neither does she rip it to pieces. She folds it almost thoughtfully and slips it away into the deepest part of her drawer. She definitely doesn't need to see that little white card with its declaration of joy anytime soon.

* * *

When he calls her cell phone seven times and doesn't receive any answer, he begins to worry. Chuck is positive that the timing isn't entirely a coincidence – Serena doesn't answer her cell phone the day the invitation to Dan and Blair's wedding turns up in the mail. When he reaches her voicemail for the eight time, he decides that he needs to find her before she does something crazy.

He thinks about how he felt when he held the invitation to Blair's wedding in his hands that morning – the second invitation to Blair's wedding that he's received in his life. Yes, there was hurt, there was a sliver of anger in there and there was pain. But it has been months since he's lost her and it's been almost a year since Blair and Humphrey have been a couple. They've had barely any contact since then so when the feelings of pain and anger rise to the surface, he feels mostly angry at himself for feeling things when he's supposed to have moved on with his life.

He picks up his coat and decides to find Serena before realising that he has no idea where she is. That's okay, he tells himself as he picks up his BlackBerry, there are other ways to find her.

* * *

He finds her in a shady bar in a foreign neighbourhood and for a second, he's stunned by what he sees. She's making out with a sleazy-looking guy who looks nearly ten years older than her. From where he's standing, Chuck has a clear view of them squashed in a dingy corner of the bar, the man pushing Serena up against the wall, one hand clawing at her breasts and another grabbing her behind from underneath her short skirt. Serena's too drunk to notice, but is kissing him with a queer expression on her face: her brow is furrowed and her eyes are squeezed shut almost too tightly.

Chuck marches up to them, suppressing the instinct to brow-beat the guy who's violating his vulnerable sister in a public bar. He looks so out of place in that dark, dingy bar and people are starting to stare at the business exec in his expensively cut suit making his way through the crowd. He doesn't care, though; all he wants is to rip Serena away from the pervert who was running his hands all over her. He taps the guy's shoulder a little too hard and sets his jaw as the man turns towards him with a pissed-off expression on his face.

"What's the deal, dude?" he wants to know and Chuck can smell cheap liquor on his breath. Serena blinks owlishly at him and swipes her tangled blond hair from her face. "Chuck?" she says, alcohol slurring her words.

"You know this dude, doll?" the guy wants to know, stumbling a little as he reaches out to wrap an arm around her waist. His beady eyes romp over Chuck's face and suit and despite is drunkenness, he's impressed. The guy clearly came from money and here was an opportunity to make a buck or two. "Who's this, your ex-husband or something? Let's hope you took his money when you divorced him." He lets out a shrill, hyena-like giggle at his own words.

"She's my sister," Chuck says through gritted teeth. "So, if you don't mind…"

He reaches out and takes Serena by her arm, wrenching her away from the man. "You're coming with me, Serena."

She stumbles along with him on her impossibly high heels as he guides them out of the bar, the eyes of the other customer following them as the crowd parts to let them leave. The guy Serena had been making out with is too drunk to make a scene and Chuck is so thankful that she's okay that he forgets to be mad at her when they step out of the bar.

Serena shivers a little and trips on her own feet. Chuck takes off his coat and places it gently around her and wraps his arm around her for support. She's unusually quiet, he notes as he watches her slip inside the limo waiting for them. She's usually loud and talkative when she's inebriated but now, she just seems to be lost. Throughout the ride, she has a vacant, almost tired look in her oceanic blue eyes and he's worried. He instructs his driver to take them to Serena's new apartment, the one she moved into recently after things with Dan and Blair's relationship got too awkward for her to handle. When the limo pulls up in front of her condo, Chuck gives her a gentle shake.

"We're here, S. Let's go."

At that moment, she turns to look at him with a pleading expression and he's shocked and saddened by the look in her eyes. They're filled with tears and harbour such a broken expression in them that it shatters his heart. Serena's been all he's had for the past year, his shoulder to cry on and he suddenly realises that she needs him at that moment more than anything else. Serena rarely cries for help and Chuck knows that something deep inside her has been broken.

If he can't be the one to fix it, he can be the one who holds her hand through it.

She doesn't say a word as he takes her hand and helps her out of the limo. He tells Arthur to wait as he guides Serena up the stairs. When they reach her door, Serena leans against the wall and closes her eyes as Chuck rifles through her purse, trying to find her keys. Once they are inside, Serena stumbles towards her bed and collapses on it.

"Chuck," she whispers.

"I'm here." He all but hurries towards her, sitting down carefully beside her on the bed, holding her close as she rests her head on his shoulder. "What happened, Serena?"

She presses her face into his shoulder and is glad he can't see the tears that have started to spill from her eyes. The buzz has gone from her system and all she can feel now is pain. There is a throbbing in her head that makes her want to bring a gun to her head and pull the trigger so she doesn't have to feel the pain that pumps through her system with a vengeance. But right now, she craves her pills and the wonderfully numb feeling sleep provides her with.

She's not as drunk as she seems and while a part of her is thankful that Chuck found her, another part of her resents him front pulling her to the surface.

"My head hurts." Her voice is barely audible and the pain is making it impossible for her to open her eyes. Her stomach hurts; she hasn't eaten a thing. There's a raw feeling at the back of her throat that hurts when she swallows and there's the lingering taste of the sleazy guy she made out with on her lips.

She hates herself so much, it consumes her. She craves sleep but knows she can't get it without her pills. She can't swallow them when Chuck's right there beside her.

She wants him to leave her alone but she's scared of what she might do to herself if he leaves.

"I'll get you some aspirin." Chuck climbs to his feet and walks toward her medicine cabinet. He turns to look at her from across the room and is saddened by what he sees. She's sitting on the edge of the bed, her head cradled in her hands, tears falling off the bridge of her nose, staining her purple skirt.

He opens the cabinet and his eyes search for aspirin. But his hands reach out and grasp a little red bottle with a large label. His eyes widen as he reads the words sprawled on the label and the name of the pills she's carelessly been taking. He gives the bottle a little shake; there are only about ten pills inside.

"Serena, have you been taking these pills?" he asks her incredulously, holding up the bottle so she can see it.

The throbbing in her head is getting worse and the accusation is his voice isn't helping. She grinds her teeth against the pain and answers into her hands. "Yes."

"Serena, these are extremely strong painkillers." Chuck is pained and shocked as he looks at her. "These definitely aren't prescribed by a physician. Why have you been taking them?"

Serena lowers herself onto the bed, sighing as the side of her head comes in contact with the cold pillow. She closes her eyes and tries not to let the image of Dan wander in front of her lids. "They help me sleep," she whispers. "They dull the pain."

She opens her eyes a crack, wincing at the effort it takes. "Please let me have just one, Chuck," she says softly. "My head hurts so much."

Chuck is at a loss but he knows he can't leave her like this. As he watched her eyelids flutter with the pain of her headache, he pulls out his cell phone and calls Arthur. Tells him that he's dismissed for the night. At the moment, Serena's in pain and she's lost and she needs him more than anything. That's what matters.

He tucks the bottle into the pocket of his coat and walks back to the medicine cabinet. "I'll get you some aspirin. It'll help the pain. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight, Serena. We'll talk tomorrow."

He's hurting because the girl he loves is getting married, _again. _He is hurting because she's made it clear that she wants Dan Humphrey, not him.

He glances at Serena, who's miraculously fallen asleep, one leg hanging off the side of the bed with a purple stiletto heel still attached to the foot.

He's hurting because the guy his sister loves is getting married to her best friend.

* * *

**A/N: Alternate version of season 5 after Blair starts dating Dan. Serena isn't Gossip Girl, Bart isn't back from the dead, Blair hasn't chosen Chuck in the finale. What happens next? Do read and find out. (:**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"_Goodbye doesn't mean forever__  
Let me tell you, goodbye doesn't mean__  
We'll never be together again__  
If you wake up and I'm not there, I won't be long away__  
'Cause the things you do, my goodbye girl__  
Will bring me back to you."_

It's been a week since the invitation to the Waldorf-Humphrey wedding turned up in Serena's mail. Chuck's in London on a business trip and Serena's been spending the whole week trying to dodge Blair's calls. They haven't been on good terms for almost a year; their conversations are painfully awkward and the weight of Dan and Blair's relationship hangs between them like lead. Ever since Serena moved out from Blair's penthouse into an apartment of her own, things between them are different.

Serena knows Chuck's worried about her but she's brushed off his insistent demands that she see a therapist because of the pills she's been taking. She has promised him that she would stop but she can't help herself. At night, when sleep evades her, she can't help but pop in a pill or two just to help her sleep. She tells herself that she'll stop tomorrow but tomorrow drags on for days and days.

She needs something to get her mind off things. She needs a miracle.

* * *

A miracle does turn up, in the form of a phone call. A woman named Jasmine White calls that afternoon. Serena is blank for a moment when the woman tells her that they've looked through her CV and that they'd love to have her do an internship with them. Then, she remembers that the woman owns a fashion magazine and that she'd applied for an internship with them a couple of months ago. This could be the miracle she has been hoping for.

She's delighted.

* * *

A week into her internship and she's already busy.

She's made some fantastic friends and there's a cute guy named Connor Green who's interning with her.

He has ink-black hair and piercing green eyes that send shivers up her spine every time she looks at him. He has a dazzling white smile and he has a habit of looking straight into her eyes every time she speaks to him.

He's witty and he makes her laugh. He's a writer and that makes her ache because Dan is a writer too. A lot of small things seem to remind her of Dan. Last week, when she was dining with a couple of friends at a little French bistro, she saw the name of Dan's favourite French dish on the top of the menu. It had brought back a flood of memories and it hurt to be thinking of Dan when she was trying so hard to leave him behind but it seemed like fate was making it impossible for her to forget him by throwing in these little signs.

She remembers the first kiss she shared with Dan. She remembers the way his lips moulded against hers, the way his hands felt on her hips. She remembers so much and memories are painful and they bring with them the sting of tears. She remembers the way their worlds collided but how they managed to find concurrence amidst all the chaos.

She remembers how Dan saw her for who she wanted to be at that time – someone who was genuinely good and who was trying so hard to make up for the mistakes of her past. He hadn't seen her as the girl who'd had sex with her best friend's boyfriend. He hadn't seen her as the wild party girl that everyone remembered.

She truly believes that Dan got a glimpse of her soul – who she _really _was and wanted to be – while everyone else only saw what lay above the surface.

She loves Dan, but she can't bear the thought of him being married to Blair. She can't imagine Blair being Mrs. Humphrey; she can't imagine Dan fathering Blair's children. The thought makes her sick and it makes her want to scream and cry but she knows it's of no use.

She can't bear the thought of attending Dan and Blair's wedding and watching the love of her life declaring his love for her best friend. She doesn't know what to do but knows she has no choice but to put up a brave face in front of everyone. She is Blair's best friend, after all.

And Blair's her best friend and no matter what, Serena loves her. She wants Blair to be happy just the way she wants Dan to be happy but she can't bear the idea of Dan and Blair being the ones to make each other happy.

Serena loves Dan. She always has and always will. That's why she says no when Connor asks her out. Even though it's the perfect time to date a cute, sweet guy who seems genuinely interested in her, she loves Dan and it wouldn't be fair to Connor if she did go out with him.

She tries not to feel too miffed when she catches Connor making out with another intern in the backroom two days later.

* * *

Unfortunately for her, ignoring Blair's calls have been easy but ignoring Blair's husband-to-be wasn't anywhere as easy.

She bumps into him in a café on Madison Avenue one bright Sunday morning. As she walks into the café, already dreaming of her steaming cappuccino with sugar and cream, an all-too familiar voice says, with a tinge of surprise, "Serena?"

She whips around too fast and her golden locks almost smack the owner of the voice in the face. She finds herself meeting a pair of familiar brown eyes and all at once, she feels like an iron fist is closing around her heart so hard she can't breathe. He offers her a smile and has the good sense not to hug her but his gaze remains fixed on her wary expression.

"How-how are you? Haven't heard from you in a while."

She stands rock-still right next to the counter, her throat dry as sandpaper and her blood thumping in her veins. He's standing in front of her with his hands in his pockets, shifting slightly, looking the teeniest bit awkward. This reminds her of how he used to be in high school, just a tad nervous around her until they'd started getting really close.

Then again, that Dan Humphrey had been awkward because he was so unsure about how to act around her. Considering how he has been in love with her for three whole years before they'd started dating.

This Dan Humphrey looks awkward because he knows how delicate things are between him, Blair and Serena. The upcoming wedding isn't doing much to ease the tension, either.

Serena gives him a small smile and manages to find her tongue. "Dan. Hi."

He shifts from foot-to-foot again; the tension between them was thick enough to cut with a knife. "Blair's, uh, been trying to call you."

Serena's back stiffens and her mind chugs into defence mode. "Yeah, I've been really busy."

He aims a curious look at her. "Doing what?"

"You know." She tries to look nonchalant by shrugging her shoulders slightly. "Work. I've been interning for about two weeks now, for _Couture. _You know, that fashion magazine…"

"Wow!" He looks impressed. "That's great, Serena." He reaches out to give her a hug but steps back almost immediately when a warning look flashes in her eyes. He immediately reverts to being awkward again. "So, I um, have to go. I've got to help Blair with some wedding decisions." He laughs awkwardly. "No one told me a wedding was going to be so much work. Did you know that couples have to pick cakes and everything? It's crazy. I'd prefer it if the caterer would decide for us, Blair just doesn't seem happy with anything that I pick out and she can't make up her mind either…" He trails off as Serena's mouth thins.

"So, uh, call Blair when you're a little less, um, busy? She wants you to be her Maid of Honour. It would mean a lot to her if you'd accept."

"Right," Serena says with a tinge of asperity in her voice. "Being Blair's Maid of Honour for the second time. Trust me, I wouldn't miss that for the world."

Dan looks uncomfortable but decides to let that comment pass. "Uh, right. I'll see you soon, Serena," he says, a little too heartily and turns to leave.

* * *

As he walks, his head bowed slightly against the chilly wind, Dan Humphrey internally kicks himself for the way his conversation with Serena went in the café. Had he seriously gone on and on about Blair and the wedding? He cringes as he remembers the way Serena's blue eyes went icy the minute he mentioned wedding cakes.

If there's one thing Dan Humphrey knows about himself, it's his inability to address the elephant in the room. Seeing Serena again evokes so many feelings in him – feelings of nostalgia, happiness and lots and lots of guilt. He wishes he had worked up the balls to tell her he's sorry for painting her the way he did in his book, for treating her so badly the whole of last year and for dating her best friend after she told him she loved him. He feels terrible about it and wishes he could tell her the only reason he acted so indifferently towards her was because he was still hurting from the time she picked that ex-con over him and the time she shuttled between him and Nate in her inability to pick between them. He wants to tell her the truth – that he'd developed this wonderful friendship with Blair during that time and honestly thought he felt something more for her. But the truth is, his fairy tale romance with his female counterpart doesn't seem as _complete _as it did when he used to date Serena and Dan years to tell her that with all his heart, not because it would change anything because it wouldn't but just so she'd know.

He misses her sometimes. He enjoys watching films with Blair and talking about books and art with her but he misses the connection he used to have with Serena. It's not exactly the right moment to question whether he was making the right decision by marrying Blair but Dan can't help but wonder how different things might have been if Ben hadn't come back. He would have still been with Serena and his heart might seem a little less frazzled and he wouldn't have to question whether he was doing the right thing.

Dan remembers how it used to be with Serena. Effortless and easy are just two of the million words to describe how they used to be. He remembers his heart leaping the night they made love for the first time, he remembers her beautiful face shining as he leaned in to kiss her as fake snowflakes fell all around them, some falling over Serena's blond hair and coming to rest softly on her shoulders. He remembers her in her golden dress at Cotillion, remembers picking her up in his arms and kissing her. He remembers the way she wore her hair that night, he remembers how her laughter rang like bells in that empty hall when he carried her.

He remembers so much and he wishes he had the chance to at least tell her what it all meant to him.

But Dan Humphrey has always had the inability to address the elephant in the room. And that very elephant is what made his conversation with Serena in that café so very stuffy.

* * *

She's walking very fast and she's staring at the dull grey pavement as she does so. Her heart is racing and she's coming undone once again, like a ball of yarn that's being rolled down a slope.

She's walking so fast that she's almost a blur and her heels are clicking furiously against the concrete.

She's walking because she knows if she stops, she's going to break. She's so very fragile but she wants to be strong and she's searching desperately for the glue that will finally put her back together.

* * *

Blair's calling but for reasons unknown to him, he's cutting her calls.

Her texts are getting more frantic and her calls more frequent but his mind is elsewhere. She's talking about flowers and cakes and how they have to "make a decision as a couple" but he's suddenly so tired he can't work up the nerve to care.

She's his fiancée and he knows he owes it to her to help her decide what flowers she wants and what food she wants to serve at their wedding. But he finally sends her a text saying that he's sorry and that he's tired and just wants to sleep. He pauses after typing that out and hesitantly adds and "I love you" to the message, almost as an afterthought. He doesn't reread the text but presses "send" almost instantly.

He knows about the significance of those three little words. He vividly remembers how his stomach clenched and unclenched several times before he worked up the nerve to say them to Serena. How dry his mouth felt and how he lost sensation in his tongue. How he stared into her lovely face and questioned how Serena van der Woodsen was dating him, Dan Humphrey, a social outcast, an awkward, shy, lonely boy with no real friends.

While she was the society princess, the popular girl, the girl every guy would give his right arm to date.

He remembers the time when the words spilled out of his mouth when he was talking to Blair in his loft. He'd blurted them out not because he was so consumed with his love for her at that moment but because he'd been jealous that she'd been out scheming with Chuck all day. To this date, Dan questions whether that was a right move. Maybe if he hadn't said it that day, he might not be engaged to her today…

_Damn it! _His mind screams at him to stop. What in the world is happening to him? Why is he questioning his decision to marry a girl he not only loves but who loves him back? She'd taken months to say those words back to him but she'd said them, hadn't she?

_It's because you saw Serena again, _his mind chastises, _because she was your first love and the wedding is just weeks away and you're getting cold feet. That's normal. So what if you haven't seen Serena in months? What you had with her is part of your past now. You're getting married to Blair Waldorf. She's the one you should be thinking of._

_But what if you'll never love anyone the way you loved Serena? _His heart whispers in contradiction. _She's your first love and that never really goes away. Maybe that's who you want. Maybe that's who you should be getting married to._

_Damn it, damn it. _Dan curses in his head, wishing he could switch off the thoughts that were throwing him into a jumble.

_Things are okay. I'm marrying Blair Waldorf._

_I love her; she loves me._

_I care about Serena but she's part of my past._

_I'm marrying Blair Waldorf and I'm going to be happy._

_That's the way things are supposed to be._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"_The worst is over now and we can breathe again  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away  
There's so much left to learn and no one left to fight  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain"_

"What the hell are you waiting for? He's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship with you. So, like, move on already."

Serena blinks, startled out of her reverie. On closer examination, she realises that the comment wasn't directed at her; in fact, two of the interns, Chloe and Brandy are talking to each other in the same room that she's working in.

Click. Remove red eye. Airbrush. Serena edits a picture of a gorgeous, tan model in summer wear, listening with to their conversation.

"But he seemed to be so into me," Brandy complains; merely two weeks after Serena catches her making out with Connor in one of the backrooms, it seems like Connor doesn't seem to want to date her anymore. Serena absently clicks around the screen, trying to make the picture look cover-worthy.

"I know, honey." Chloe sighs and continues with her filing work. She nibbles at one of her nails and snaps the gum in her mouth. "But some guys are just like that. What was his excuse?"

Brandy lets out a long, dramatic sigh as she leans against the drawers containing the files and crosses her arms. She's a tiny, petite redhead with freckles and startling blue eyes. Serena flicks a glance at her and wonders what went down between her and Connor.

"Apparently he just made out with me because some chick he liked turned him down," Brandy says grumpily; over at her computer, Serena winces. She nibbles on her lower lip and tries to not let a tell-tale blush give her away.

"Oh, what a jerk!" Chloe says, indignant on Brandy's behalf.

"I know, right?" Brandy ploughs on, basking in the support from the other girl. "I'm _so _embarrassed, considering how Serena caught us making out in one of the backrooms – hey, Serena, didn't Connor seem to be totally into me?"

Serena looks up, startled and meets Brandy's eyes. Chloe's curious gaze is levelled on her, too. "Um, I couldn't tell. Sorry," she says absently.

Brandy's blue eyes widen while Chloe's eyebrows disappear behind her strawberry-blond fringe. "But didn't you notice how much he enjoyed fondling my–"

"So sorry, Brandy, but I've got to show this to Laura," Serena interrupts hastily as Chloe groans. She picks up an empty pen drive and exits the room.

She finds Connor in the storage room, filing some old magazines in their respective drawers.

She knocks softly at the open door to announce her presence, leaning against the doorjamb. Connor looks up and a warm smile floods his face.

"Serena," he says warmly. "What's up?"

"When were you planning to tell me that you made out with Brandy just to make me jealous?" she asks playfully, giving his built arm a friendly punch. He ducks his head and smiles sheepishly; she finds that awfully endearing.

"I'm sorry," he says, turning to look at her. In the dim light from the naked bulb that hangs above them, his eyes look even greener. "I really like you and you turned me down for no reason, when I know for a fact that you aren't seeing anybody. And there was Brandy, eager, a little desperate and I sort of needed to blow off some steam, so…"

"So you made out with her in the backroom hoping that I'd catch you and realise what I missed?" Serena teases. "Maybe you won…a little. It was embarrassing to walk in on you guys."

Connor raises an eyebrow, a little smile playing across his lips. "So, you _like _me?"

"I wouldn't exactly say that," she says quickly. "But you're…likable. And you're a cute, single guy who seems to sort of like me. At least, I _think _you're single. Any other perky little cheerleader-like intern you want to tell me about?"

Connor laughs; it's a low, soft sound that Serena realises she kind of likes. Without realising it, she reaches up and brushes back a lock of hair on his forehead. He stops laughing and looks at her so intensely that she drops her hand immediately and looks away.

He reaches out and touches her bare shoulder and it tingles. She meets his eyes a little unwillingly, wondering what was going to happen next.

"One date, Serena," he says softly. "I haven't been able to get you out of my mind. It won't be anything too fancy – just a movie and pizza afterwards. Are you free tonight?"

Serena hesitates; while she's tempted to say yes, she also knows that she's still hurting over Dan. She loves Dan and she knows it. But how long is she going to keep moping about it? _He's getting married soon_, she reminds herself.

And Connor seems like a perfectly nice guy.

"What about Brandy?" she murmurs; Connor chuckles, his hand still resting on her shoulder. "Is she going to ice me out now that I've stolen you from her?"

"Brandy has no right to complain," he replies, giving her hair a little tug. Serena giggles, which causes him to chuckle and for a few minutes, they just laugh for absolutely no reason and she can't remember the last time she laughed like this and felt so silly and uninhibited and just so _happy_.

"Um, excuse me. Serena?"

An all-too familiar voice causes Serena to whip around. Standing at the doorway, looking beautiful and impeccably dressed, her brown hair set in perfect curls, her mouth pursed is Blair Waldorf.

Serena's laughter subsides at once. She stares at Blair, her heart sinking, wondering what on earth she should say to her. Blair's gaze darts to Connor who gives her a wide smile.

"Hey. Are you a friend of Serena's?" he asks amiably, holding out his hand. "I'm Connor Green."

"You could say that. Blair Waldorf," Blair says primly, taking his hand and shaking it formally. She looks back at Serena, who's rubbing her palms together and looking nervous. "S. Do you have a minute?"

"I'd better be going. Laura wants to see me in her office, anyway," Connor says. He gives Serena a quick, one-armed hug. "I'll pick you up at seven, okay?" He gives Blair another smile. "Nice meeting you, Blair."

"Cute guy," Blair remarks when he leaves. "Is he your new boyfriend?"

"Not really," Serena murmurs, facing away from her. She picks up a couple of magazines from the floor and begins to file them.

"Then what was the 'I'll pick you up at seven' line about?" Blair wants to know. She takes a step closer to Serena. Serena sneaks a glance at the hand that's holding her purse and sees a shiny diamond ring on her finger. She averts her gaze as her heart lurches uncomfortably.

"We just have one small date tonight," Serena says, shutting a drawer with more force than necessary and wrenching open another one. She can feel Blair levelling her all-knowing stare at her.

"Oh, don't give me that, S!" Blair exclaims. "I saw the 'fuck me' looks you guys were giving each other. And trust me, there's some serious sexual chemistry going on there–"

Serena slams the drawer shut and turns to look at Blair. Her big brown eyes are wide. "What are you really here for, Blair?"

"Look." Blair reaches out and takes Serena's hand in it. "I know it's been a rough year. What with the whole thing with you and Dan and then _me _and Dan and the wedding and everything…it's been crazy. We haven't exactly talked, either. I know I haven't been the best person this year and I'm sorry. I've been a crappy friend to you and I know it. It's just that…I miss you, Serena. So much. I just want things to go back to the way the used to be. You know, with us."

Serena looks down at the hand that's holding her own. Blair's engagement ring glitters back at her. She looks back up and meets her best friend's gaze. Her doe-like eyes are sincere and Serena can feel the hostility cracking. In all honesty, she's missed her best friend, too.

"I've missed you too, B," she says at last, her voice cracking with emotion because she knows she's missed her best friend too, so much. Blair lets out a little "aww" and the two of them embrace. Serena buries her face in Blair's shoulder and breathes in her familiar scent. Throughout everything that's happened, she's missed her best friend.

When they break apart, Blair sniffles a little. "I'm sorry about Dan, Serena," she says sincerely. "I truly care about him. He makes me happy."

Serena gives her a small smile. "Don't apologise. You love him. He loves you. People who love each other should be together, right?" She thinks of Chuck and how devastated he is about losing Blair. She thinks of herself, thinks of the nights she's stayed up missing Dan and crying about losing him.

She thinks of all the pain she's gone through. Remembers the sleepless nights, the pills, the alcohol, the tears and everything in between.

She thinks of all the problems that Dan and Blair's relationship has brought in its wake. Her own self-destruction, her mother's divorce because she didn't approve of Rufus' son dating the best friend of her daughter. She thinks of Chuck.

She looks at Blair now and reads the sincerity in her friend's voice and words and eyes.

_Maybe it's time to let go. Move on. _

She thinks of Connor and his easy smile and green eyes and how cute she finds him.

She thinks of Blair. Thinks that maybe this is how things are supposed to be.

She wants Dan to be happy. She wants Blair to be happy, too.

_Maybe I need to forgive them. Forgive myself._

Blair brightens. "Really? Oh, and another thing, Serena. Will you be my Maid of Honour? Second time around, I know." She laughs a little. "But, will you?"

Serena smiles and reaches for Blair's hand, the one with the ring on it. "Of course, Blair. I love you. You know that right?" She means it with all her heart.

"I know that, S." Blair's eyes soften.

"Just another thing," Serena says, as Blair turns to leave. "How did you know I'd be here?"

Blair turns and looks at her. "Dan told me he met you a while ago. He said you've been doing an internship here. I wasn't sure if you'd want to see me so I kept putting it off."

"Ah. Okay." Serena smiles, giving Blair a last hug before she leaves. She turns back to the magazines and takes a deep breath. A part of her feels so much lighter after making up with Blair. She hadn't realised how much she'd missed her the past year.

_Maybe this is my opportunity to move on. _

_To find happiness that has nothing to do with Dan._

_To let go._

* * *

**A/N: A big, big thank you to all my reviewers _DedicatedToTwilight, FALLEN HALO, hsmhsm _and my other guest reviewers! Your reviews are really appreciated :) Thanks for all the encouragement and I will try my best to update as soon as possible. :)**

**Do let me know what you thought about this chapter! What do you think of Connor? Who do you think is better for Serena at the moment? Connor or Dan? And what do you think of the whole Dan/Blair wedding thing?**

**Thanks again for all your lovely reviews. 3**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"_You could be happy, I hope you are  
You made me happier than I'd been by far  
Do the things that you always wanted to  
Without me to hold you back, don't think, just do"  
_

Serena is surprised to find that she's actually excited about her date with Connor. As she carefully pats her hair down as she gazes at her reflection in the mirror, her stomach squirms pleasantly. It's been ages since she's been on a date and she's nervous. She wonders where Connor is taking her and frets whether she's a little overdressed. She's donning gold leggings and a cream sleeveless top that clings generously to her ample curves. She smoothes down the top and turns in a full circle to inspect herself. _Maybe the earrings are unnecessary, _she decides and unclips them from her lobes.

Her phone beeps on the table and she cranes her neck to see who it's from. It's Blair. Serena taps her screen and the message opens.

"_What are you planning to wear? So excited for you, S!"_ the message reads.

Serena sighs and puts her phone away. A part of her is glad that Blair's making an effort to salvage their friendship but another darker, resentful half of her suspects that Blair's only trying to make amends because she wants Serena to turn up for her wedding. Serena inspects herself in the mirror one last time and slips her phone into her clutch. She tries to ignore the gnawing feeling in her stomach every time she thinks of Blair and her upcoming nuptials to the guy she's still in love with.

_Stop! _Her mind screams. _You're going on a date with a sweet, vibrant guy who seems interested in you. Don't sabotage this._

Serena tries her best to push away thoughts of Dan in a tux and Blair in a white dress, proclaiming their love for each other and reciting their vows.

_You're going on a date. Don't you dare sabotage this._

She meets Connor at the theatre and is pleasantly surprised to see that he looks almost as nervous as she feels. He's standing outside the theatre as she approached, shifting awkwardly and smoothing down his hair. She lets her eyes wander over him appreciatively, noting that his jeans seem to fit him just right and that his shirt enunciates his broad shoulders. He gives her a smile that warms Serena's heart, for she can't remember the last time a guy looked at her with so much _happiness, _not because of how she looks but because he's genuinely happy to see her and spend time with her.

She gives him a friendly, enthusiastic hug, noting the way her skin prickles pleasantly when his skin brushes against her. "Hi," she says softly.

"Hey, Serena," he says, pulling out the tickets from his pocket. "You look great. Look, I managed to score us the best seats." He grins proudly. "Last row. We're going to have an amazing view!"

His enthusiasm is infectious and she finds herself feeling a lot more excited than she normally would have about a movie.

Two hours later, Connor takes her to a pizzeria where they split a twelve inch pizza, topped with mushrooms, artichokes and olives (after Connor tells her that he's vegetarian). The loud, boisterous, happy atmosphere of the pizzeria makes Serena feel more alive that she's been in years. She realises that while she's spent her whole life dining at stuffy French restaurants and cutting up her meal with silver cutlery, she's never experienced the feeling of sitting in a restaurant where normal, non-Upper East Side people eat and splitting a delicious pizza with a cute, sweet guy. _It's liberating,_ she muses, as she takes a large bite of her pizza after throwing back her head and laughing heartily at something Connor said.

She loves this feeling; this feeling of not feeling like Serena van der Woodsen, feeling like a normal, twenty-two year old girl, splitting a pizza with a nice guy. This feeling of not feeling like her world is going to fall apart when the love of her life marries her best friend. This feeling of not feeling like she's surrounded by blackness, like she's going to drown in her own desperation, her sorrow.

This feeling of not craving sleep. Not craving pills.

She's happy, she realises. It might be temporary, she might not even go on a second date with Connor but for the moment, she's happy.

Spontaneously, she takes Connor's hand. She sees pleasure and surprise flicker in his green eyes. In the candlelight, her face looks especially beautiful.

"Thank you," she says softly. "For…for this. For taking me out." She takes a deep breath. "It's what I needed."

Connor's other hand closes around hers. His fingers are warm and just a bit rough. She finds the heat from his fingers comforting.

"There's no need to thank me," he says, smiling. "I had a great time."

For a second, from the way his green eyes are boring into her pale blue ones, she thinks he's about to kiss her. She wonders whether she should say something, tell him it's too early, even though there's a feeling building up inside her. More than anything, she wants to feel his lips on hers but she wills herself to take her eyes off his lips and look down at her food. A few seconds later, he does the same and they lapse back into easy conversation.

* * *

Dan's arm is around Blair but his mind is elsewhere. He's staring unseeingly at the TV screen and is jolted from his reverie when Blair lets out a snort of laughter. When she realises he isn't laughing, she knocks him in the rib with her elbow.

"What's the matter?" Blair demands as she sits up to stare at him. Her brown hair is tousled and her eyes are bright. "You've been so distracted for the past few days."

He observes her, wonders whether to tell her the truth. Decides against it.

"I don't know. Just thinking," he replies vaguely.

"About what?" Blair asks curiously. Her lips are pursed as she crosses her arms across her chest and stares at him.

"I, uh…" Lying isn't exactly Dan's strong point, so he decides to go with the truth. "I was thinking about Serena." His insides churn as Blair's eyebrows fly upward and her mouth sets itself in a disapproving line.

She says nothing to him but turns away and Dan can almost feel the temperature in the room dropping. He suppresses a sigh; Blair's ice-queen behaviour is starting to get a little tiring. Even though he understands that she's probably nervous about the wedding (being the second time she's tying the knot), he can't help feeling exhausted at the possibility of another fight with her. He wills himself to coax her out of her bad mood before a lightning bolt of realisation strikes him.

This is Blair Waldorf. She's the girl who sent other girls home crying from Constance because their totes weren't the exact shade of their leggings. She's the girl who bullied his sister and banished her from New York. She's the girl who spent her entire high school life acting like he was invisible.

That's the real Blair Waldorf. This isn't the same vulnerable, damaged girl he fell in love with after her divorce to Louis. It's been a year since they've been together and that's been enough time for Blair to heal herself after the tumultuous year that she faced.

Dan knows that he should be able to accept Blair for who she really is, but that's proving to be unbelievably hard. He can't help remember how easy it had been to be with a beautiful blonde girl who still makes his heart flutter when he sees her. He remembers her smile, her touch, her voice, the taste of her lips and finds himself overwhelmed with a sudden lurch of sadness.

He misses her. Being away from her hurts like a physical ache. After all these years, the thought of moving on from Serena van der Woodsen hurts him like nothing ever has.

He flicks a glance over at Blair, notes the rigidness of her back and the unhappiness in her expression. With a sigh, he leans over, takes her shoulders in his hands and turns her around to face him. Her eyes are cool as she surveys him.

"It's not what you think," he tells her quietly. "I was just thinking how weird it is that I dated Serena in high school and now, I'm getting married to Blair Waldorf." He grins at her. "Who, if I recall, hated me at that time. Now, she's going to be my wife. Things have changed so much, haven't they?"

Blair surveys him for a moment, and sighs. She leans in and kisses him. Her breath is warm and soft and smells vaguely of chocolate. For a moment, Dan is repulsed and he wants to turn away from her, because he remembers how Serena tastes. She's always tasted vaguely of mint and cinnamon and he realises that he's missed that taste. He's missed touching golden hair instead of the brown locks that he's always touching.

Maybe something's wrong, but he's afraid he's too late. Maybe he's afraid if he goes after it now, he'll lose everything he had.

Dan Humphrey is a coward and he damn well knows it.

Blair leans in again and gently covers her lips with his. Dan is shocked, but not unsurprised, at how frictionless the kiss seems. He's kissing her and his tongue is moving between her lips but his body is weirdly calm. Almost as if he's reading a book or eating toast in the morning. Kissing her does nothing to him.

Their kisses get sloppier and suddenly, Dan can't do this anymore. He pulls himself away from her and suddenly, his heart is in his throat.

_Say it, damn it. Just say it._

"Dan, what's the matter?" Blair doesn't look at all like a woman who was in the middle of a kissing session with another man. Her hair is ruffled but her cheeks are pale and her eyes look heavy-lidded, though with something other than desire.

_I'm sorry, Blair, I can't do this anymore. The whole time I was with you, I felt like I was running away from something. Running away from my feelings for Serena because she left me for some ex-con and used the entire year to ping pong from one guy to another. I was hurt and I was annoyed but I can't do this anymore. I just can't. I'm sorry._

_I'm sorry, Blair._

_I'm sorry because us getting married would result in you and me not being happy. You and me using this relationship as an excuse to not fight for the ones we do love. We're using this relationship because it's easy and effortless and ninety-nine per cent of the time, we're just friends. We talk about books and art and movies and that's okay, but there's something missing because we have a friendship. We don't have a relationship. We're great as friends, but that's probably all we'll ever be._

_I shouldn't have used you. You shouldn't have used me. _

_I'm sorry._

Those were the things Dan Humphrey wanted to say, but didn't end up saying.

"Dan?"

"Uh…nothing's wrong, Blair. Nothing at all. Now, where were we?"

* * *

Serena calls Chuck when she gets back home. He picks up the phone on the second ring.

"Sis, what a pleasant surprise." She can make out from his voice that he's truly pleased to hear from her. "How're you holding up? Staying away from the heavy meds, I hope?"

Serena reaches own and kicks off her stilettos. She wonders what to tell him.

"I went out with Connor tonight," she tells him.

"Who's Connor again? Another Humphrey-clone? Jeez, Serena, I wish you knew how to pick 'em–"

She can hear the teasing note in his voice and she smiles. She's missed him. If there's one thing she does like about her family, it's the fact that Chuck's in it.

"You'll probably like him," she says softly. "It's…easy, you know? Being with him…it doesn't feel like I want to disappear. I don't feel like _Serena, _you know? With him, I'm…" she takes a deep breath, "…_lighter. _There's no weight dangling above my head."

There's a pause on the other line as Chuck takes in what she's just said.

"I know what you mean," he says quietly. "That's how I've been feeling…well, recently. After I–" He breaks off and an awkward silence follows.

"After you what?" Serena asks curiously.

"Uh, never mind," Chuck says quickly. "Anyway, sis, I have to go. It's not even dawn yet here, and I'm staying up because time difference is a bitch. See you." He hangs up almost immediately, leaving Serena wondering what he was going to say.

* * *

She walks around her room, humming, wriggling out of her clothes and slipping into a comfortable nightgown that feels smooth and cool against her skin. She unclips the barrette from her hair and absent-mindedly opens a drawer that she hardly ever opens.

Her eyes wander down and her jaw drops at what she sees.

It's a picture cradled into a silver photo frame. The innocence, the youth, the sheer unadulterated happiness on their faces shocks her more than seeing the picture itself. She's caught between a smile and a laugh, her blond locks blowing into his face as he laughs and looks at her with a look in his eyes that drives a knife into her heart.

_He's never going to look at me like that again._

They'd taken the picture on one of their long walks around Central Park after school. She can see trees bursting in full bloom in the background while their ties hang loosely around their necks. He's smiling and she's smiling and they're deliriously, wildly, gloriously happy and at that moment, she just wants to jump into that picture and tell her seventeen year old self what she knows now.

_Don't fall in love with him. I know he sees you in a way no one has before. He doesn't just see the blond hair, the dazzling smile, the large breasts and the long legs. He sees redemption and he sees change; he sees how hard you're working to put your past behind you. For once, you're being __**seen, **__not for your looks but for __**you. **__And I know how much it's filling a void in your heart that you never thought would be filled. He's giving you meaning, he's giving you purpose._

_He's showing you how it feels to love and be loved. He's teaching you selflessness and the importance of second chances._

_Don't fall in love with him. It's dangerous for you and for your heart. _

She can still remember the feeling she got when he held her held, the way her stomach fluttered when his skin brushed tenderly against hers. She remembers how she felt a surge of heat between her legs when he placed his hand on her bare thigh, a simple touch that felt even better than when Nate was furiously making love to her atop a bar.

She's suddenly paralyzed by all-consuming thought: not even a thousand pizza dates with Connor will be able to make her feel the way a simple walk around Central Park with Dan would. She would never smile that smile from that picture, she will never feel that surge of happiness.

She will never be that girl. She will never be the Serena van der Woodsen that dated Dan Humphrey and was so happy, so in love.

She will never love anyone but Dan Humphrey – Dan with his self-righteousness and uncanny ability to judge anything that walked and talked. Dan Humphrey that saw through her and saw that she could actually be good and kind and loyal, that she wasn't just a pretty face and a glorious body you could fuck.

He _saw _her and she can never forget that.

She places the photo frame back in that drawer carefully, almost as if she's afraid she might shatter the beautiful memories that are spelled out in that picture.

_Because that's all I have right now. Memories._

* * *

**A/N: Hi, guys! I'm so sorry for the delay in posting this chapter. I'd started it a while ago but then couldn't get through it. I was originally planning to work on my other fic **_**Chasing Starlight **_**(it's an Ezra/Aria fic, so **_**Pretty Little Liars **_**fans, don't forget to check it out!) but I was weirdly blocked. I opened this and I had a surge of inspiration, so I'm back to writing this :)**

**Again, a big, big thank-you to all my reviewers! I love you guys SO much. I just want to bake you guys a big cake and a batch of brownies.**

**I know a lot of people have been not-so-happy about Serena forgiving Blair. The thing is, Serena has spent the past year spinning out of control. Her and Blair have been on pretty shaky terms. I think her new romance with Connor and her relationship with Chuck have started helping her realize that she can't always be sad. She's trying really hard to move on but memories of Dan keep sucking her back into this darkness that she's trying to fight her way out of. I think Serena sees forgiving Blair as a way out of that darkness. It's not going to help her get out of it entirely, but she sees it as a start. Also, if you notice, Serena isn't all sunshine and let's-be-best-friends-again with Blair immediately. She's ignoring her calls this chapter. She obviously isn't happy about D and B getting married but I think she's just trying really, really hard to move on.**

**For those enquiring – yes, this fic was M rated for a reason! Spoiler: Dan and Serena will be getting it on in a couple of chapters. You'll just have to wait and see how they get there :)**

**Till the next chapter – toodles! Keep reviewing because that's the only thing keeping me going! **


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